What do they know

"A more direct interpretation of the dream may be your libido's way of telling you that it's been too long since you have had sex. It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love."



I think I'm just lonely.

Not knowing is half the battle

Personal perseverance and abstinence has been prominent in my life for quite a long while. I tend to get jaded easily, therefore I have hereby been avoiding hurling myself into alien social gatherings and sticking with a steadfast group of familiar friends. My personal avoidance has inevitably lead to an increased sense of longing that I have convinced myself may be fulfilled by a particular man. One man I have been acquainted is also acquainted with my "steadfast group," which might make him part of it, but the logistics of social networking can be somewhat murky.
My social tendencies are besides the point in regards to this futile attempt at explaining my feelings (as I hide them in lengthy sentences and unrelieved prose). It may be that the holidays have brought out my romanticism, or my will has finally caved in, but as of now my feelings seem quite genuine. All because he has been the first person I have met in a long while that isn't (so far) what I have expected him to be. I believe that deserves some merit, even if it is just a crude game.


For now,
A

It's the little things

My hands were twitching as I trotted up to a strange house. The shrubbery had been left to grow freely, the unkempt yard scattered with cigarette butts and discarded plastic wrappers. After standing lethargically in the doorway for approximately thirty seconds, I rang the doorbell and took two careful steps backward.
The door slowly opened, and I glanced at the man who opened the door. A casual acquaintance. As I walked through the entrance then quickly recognized everybody in this house. My gaze immediately fell back to this gentleman that opened the door. I felt my pupils dilate as we were locked in a trance that ended much too quickly. His eyes reminded me of a robin's blue eggs I found early one spring morning. I got the chance to watch them hatch later that day, and sheltered their petite bodies from the torrential spring rain. When I brought my friends over to see those tiny hatchlings, there wasn't a single bird in the nest.
So, that's how the story goes. After a brief exchange, he walked me back to the door. I trotted past the untamable shrubs, through the barren yard, and drove back to my inanimate home.

Give in

Have you ever wished you could re-do you whole life?


If your answer is yes,



Please, go rot.

There are a infinite amount of possibilities and choices. Do what you want. Learn to deal with acceptance and rejection. Take a train to the midwest, write a song about it. Fall down, get bruised, get up. Pay for you meal with change. Make a fool out of yourself. Take, take take. But most importantly: give, give, give. Love every moment of your dormant boring life, and the consequences and coincidences that fall in between. Realize that your boring, dormant life will be gone in a matter of time, and that unpredictable millisecond is what you have been working toward your whole life.

Rant

Elementary school was chalked full of lessons about sharing, and compassion. The concept to treat others the in a way that reciprocates the level of generosity and respect that you would like to receive yourself has been buried underneath specified thoughts and information attained across many years for the purpose of getting what you want (and ignoring everything else).
Living in America is full of contradictory laws and ways of life. A "Christian Nation" that thrives on oil (money) and gossip. Yet, when a highly educated person with tattoos goes into a job interview, their chances of getting the job are smaller than a person without. Does marks on someone's skin automatically make that person less of? The same goes with people who are fat, black, Hispanic, people with bad teeth, hair, clothing. The interviewer looks at the interviewee's appearance rather than their resume.
Deliberately poking fun at people with speech impediments, autism, deafness, etc. is more often a choice of topic, rather than helping these people and learning about them. You will often find that people who are different from each other in drastic ways we can learn a lot from.


If you object; enlighten me, please.

No point, really

I've been slacking on this whole blogging concept. I suppose my life is nauseatingly mediocre and repetitive. I'm looking forward to beginning my Junior year of college on Monday, it is a good feeling knowing I am more than half way to graduation.

Taylor visited me this past weekend, which is always very exciting and full of Captain Morgan.

I got my braces off, so thats nice.

Maybe I'll update this again sometime during the week when I have something real to talk about.

Karma payment plan

I'm on the karma payment plan.

The end of one crossroad has been revealed, and I have stumbled across another dreary intersection as it maliciously anticipates my choice. At the same moment the hunter crouching behind the shrubs adjacent to me pulls back the string on his bow.

Instead of choosing the path most traveled by versus the route less taken, I'm buying a shovel and digging into the Earth in hopes of filling my barren core with...anything.

Appearance

My Grandma Simon is cooking a birthday dinner for me tonight. I am bringing my roommates along since they haven't had a legitimate home cooked meal in a very long time, I'm sure. This week will be my debut, seeing I haven't gone out very much in the past month and haven't seen really anybody I usually hang out with outside this house.

Every time I am about to go out something comes up, whether it is another activity or an emotional confrontation. Social events take a lot out of me. I would say after about 2 hours of a social gathering feels like I have been awake for two days without any sleep. It is draining and exhausting to be with people I have just met. To try and force a social interaction with a complete stranger. Standing alone in the corner feeling like a spotlight is beaming in me showing off every stray hair and makeup flaw on my body. Insecurities are fleeting but once one leaves, another comes along. Example: I look in the mirror and my makeup doesn't look half bad. But my haircut is terrible and in the awkward stage. I suppose that is ordinary, to worry about my looks. I only wish I didn't have to. I wish people would look at me and think "She is a good person," or, "That girl seems like she would have intelligent input in a conversation about the theory of relativity."

"The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are."

Out with the old

I painted faces on my fingernails last night and when I woke up there was an imprint of four faces on the side of my cheek. So, I guess you can say I didn't wake up lonely this morning in retrospect.

I threw all of my clothes on my bed and probably had a pile about six feet tall, no lie. It's about time that they finally meet the local goodwill bin. I never throw things away. Everything I have is a concrete representation of a specific memory. I look at my dad's dusty keyboard and remember standing in the office at my parents house in the suburbs and playing Greensleeves on repeat. I wore that shirt to grad bash. I bought those pants when I was shopping with Kory. Madison got me that jacket for Christmas two years ago.

It's like throwing away my past.

In the end, maybe it will make me feel new. Tossing out old memories to make new ones.

Excitement

Please?

I'm tired of sluggishly rolling downhill

save me.