it's been a while

i finally remembered my password.

it is amazing how so much can change in three months. new people, new prospects, new opportunity new responsibility. Jumping around from place to place and thought to thought never knowing what comes next but always expecting something. Expecting to be happy, expecting to be tired at work, regretting working too much, regretting not talking to people, losing touch, gaining trust, meeting new people, reconnecting to old friends, wanting to leave, wanting to stay. Life can lead me to the most interesting places.

I was thinking about the future the other day. i know i do not want to stay in florida. i want to get out as soon as i possibly can. As much as I love UCF, I just want change. I want seasons and mountains, and I want to redefine myself as a person. Start where no one knows me. Start somewhere beautiful and calm where I can focus on whatever I choose; whether it is my art, school, and even just relaxation and learning in a new environment.

I will probably end up graduating from UCF in two years, but if i decide to get my masters it definitely will not be in florida. As much as I love the place it just is not right for me. It's been too long and i need to say goodbye. 

I just want to find my yellow bird.

now here's a poem I wrote a bit ago:

lochness

green eyed monsters

and inside out lovers

the flowers look like people

and the people look like

weeds

and i can't help but believe it is real.

for now,

Alexis

i wish i was an ocean

i am having the most amazing time of my life.

getting exercise, experiencing new things, staying in a big city.

maine in a couple days should be amazing.

peace out playas.

it's sad

when you see someone you love change into a monster.

when all someone cares about is wealth and stardom.

when you would do anything for somebody and in return they take all you own without permission.

when they promise you over and over and break them even more.

when they don't even bother to ask how you are.

when you ask for so little and they give you nothing.

when they take take take take take everything you've got both emotionally and literally.

when after they have crashed and ate all your food and used all your money they don't even bother to say goodbye.

one day they will realize what they have done and not have a reason why. Because they fail to truly blame themselves for their greediness, emptiness of their soul, and anger.

anxious

Story of my life. Anyway.

one week and i turn older, officially. I mean because every second I am technically getting older. I guess it is a landmark.

then four days later I am leaving for Boston. Which will be probably the most amazing vacation I could ever ask for.

the anticipation is killing me. let's pray this next week and a half fly by.

cat faces

I wish i had the courage

i wish i was brave

but bravery can often correlate with stupidity.

Running away seems so right. but also wrong.

so i am waiting until i get a degree, fit into the expectations of society for three more years, so i will have a fall back plan if i change my mind. 

i am fickle. but i am not stupid.

tired

i am just so tired.

not tired as in i need to sleep

tired as in i want to sleep.

21 days

20 songs

19 years old

18 seconds pass

17 days of class

16 entries

15 alibis

14 lies

13 chances

12 beestings

11 11 make a wish

10 stars flicker

9 months of anticipation

8 others that weren't you

7 is clearly not my lucky number

6 lies off the tip of your tongue

5 hundred instances without you here

4 trips back and fourth

3 strikes. i'm surprised i am not out

2 attempts

1 love. love love love love. 

i'm sorry

it's only you. 

you'll see.

procrastination

I really should be doing my history essay.

Research is boring. 

so is space travel.

She's the only rocketeer in the whole damn place
They gave her a mirror so she could talk to a face
She still got plenty lonely but that's just the case
With time

burst and bloom

where i want to be is everywhere and nowhere

i want to be everywhere and nowhere all at once

and i really dislike capitalism. I agree with communists in some aspects. I just don't want the hassle of social status and class and money because it just causes problems (marriage, divorce, bankruptcy, stress). Do what you love and love what you do.

for me I just want to sit in a field of sunflowers, look down at the sky, drink whiskey, and hold hands.

i can't wait

to feel that purity

and to finally tell you

i love you. no lies.

i will never want to leave.

i don't get it!

zombies?

people are bad

and they're everywhere.

i am no longer going to compromise my beliefs and stoop down to their level.

today is a new beginning.

today is good, because i'm going to watch all my mistakes go down the drain

it's that easy? let's hope.

shake the leaves off the trees and watch them pile to your knees.

maybe i'll be happy

if you just let your torn hands separate from that tree

and rake those leaves covering your feet

and come and apologize to me.

unload my head

intentions on kansas city are gone as is my lover.

crashing on couches in boston and new york will be an adventure.

august 2nd.

just

want to hear your voice

just 

want to make things right

just

want to fucking punch you in the cranium.

joke

i think i'll fall

in love with you

i think i'll

marry you. Just give

me a moment to think about it.

because i am his green eyed beauty.

he is my hazel eyed king.

first day of summer

i'm starting my spring cleaning.

i am not sure if it has begun because i don't remember starting and i am not sure if it has finished but i think i remember it ending.

i forgot what i found.

paradise in palestine

maybe i should pack my bags

head to omaha. i hear its gloomy

but when the sun comes out it makes it

that much better

i have a two dollar bill and a florida quarter

in my pocket, and

a handle of whiskey

to get me through. 

And my man is stuck in another town

so as for now I'm stuck on you.

paint your face and head to the water and thats where I'll be.

when we unite we unite through the sea.

swing

i aint no child

i aren't a child

i am not no child

i am not a child.

bummer.

apathy

my tongue has turned into sawdust

and my heart has turned to coal.

maybe one day I'll get lucky and at least get a diamond out of it.

concern.

I made yet another mistake

channelling love into lies like always

because the one you love is never, ever the one who loves you.

I miss him more than anything and would do everything to have him back.

lately.

I got a fortune cookie today and it said "The love of your life will appear unexpectedly."

i don't really believe fortunes, but for some reason i am waiting.